


Words That Stick

by unoriginal_weirdo



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, at the end, hwang hyunjin aint just a visual, overworked Hwang hyunjin, this some angst right here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-28
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-11-07 02:58:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17952383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unoriginal_weirdo/pseuds/unoriginal_weirdo
Summary: Even though Hyunjin had the stress of being an idol and keeping up with his work, he was content with his life. He had friends, a job and was finally being accepted for something other than just his looks. To him, this made the extra hours in the practise room completely worth it. But what happens when this just doesn't seem to be enough for others? And how will the members help him?





	Words That Stick

Looking up at the clock for what must’ve been the tenth time in the past half an hour, Hyunjin let out a sigh realising he could no longer function without a long awaited visit to his favourite, most sacred place- his bed. Even though he had the stress of being an idol and keeping up with his work, he was content with his life. He had friends, a job and was finally being accepted for something other than just his looks. To him, this made the extra hours in the practise room completely worth it.

He slung his bag over his shoulders and trudged out of the practise room with only half an eye willing to stay open. As he was making his way out, he expected it to be quiet, after all it was 4:30 am so most people would be at home sleeping. What he definitely didn’t expect though, was to see his manager and staff seated in a conference room with pictures of him and his members stuck on the wall. There seemed to be some sort of disagreement because soon enough, loud angry voices could be heard bouncing of the walls of the quiet building, making their way into Hyunjin’s half functioning brain.

“He can’t even pronounce the fucking words!”

“Wasn’t he supposed to be eliminated?”

“What does he even do in the group?”

The voices were abruptly hushed by his manager. Hyunjin lingered closer to the door, eager to work out what they were saying, subconsciously feeding on their growing negativity.

“Listen” his manager started, bringing Hyunjin out of his thoughts and back into the real world. “I understand what you’re all saying but JYP insisted on keeping him. I suppose it’s only for the visuals seeing as he can’t rap. As long as he keeps those we can just cut out most of his lines and give him easy ones okay?”

A rapper? Hyunjin stood frozen in the hallway. The possible members they were discussing seemed to be narrowing down to him. But maybe he just misheard he thought desperately, trying to reassure his depleting confidence.

“Hyunjin’s got to stay, for now at least.” The manager’s words echoed in Hyunjin’s head as he stood, unable to process how his mood could’ve dropped so fast. He barely processed the screeching chairs signalling the end of the meeting and didn’t even notice his feet dragging him out of the building.

It was him they were talking about. No, not talking- arguing about. He supposed he shouldn’t have even been surprised. After all, it was no secret among the group that he wasn’t the best rapper or the first one to be noticed due to skills. Yet, it still hurt to be brought back into the world where he was nothing more than a pretty face.

Soon enough he found himself in front of the dorms. He stumbled in still hazy with an unknown feeling of emptiness filling him. The only thing he could think of doing was to crash onto his bed and pray for sleep to let him back into his fantasy world where he could be whatever he wanted to be without the weights of the real world. But despite his best efforts, the waves of warm sleep avoided him at all costs that night. All he could hear were the same taunting words of the staff.

 _Supposed to be eliminated._ _Doesn’t do anything in the group. Only has visuals._

The lack of sleep became evident the next morning as he saw bags adorning themselves under the dead, bloodshot eyes staring at him in the bathroom mirror. Panic instantly flooded him. If he couldn’t even keep up his visuals then he would surely be kicked out or become a burden for the group. He wouldn’t let that happen. And so, with a newfound determination, Hyunjin walked out of the bathroom to greet his members. However when he saw them all next to each other eating and laughing together, his determination vanished and left his shoulders slumped from the tiredness weighing on him. They seemed perfectly fine without him. It looked like the perfect picture of happiness to him and Hyunjin just couldn’t find the heart to ruin it for them. They meant everything to him and if his presence would bring them any sort of discomfort then he would leave them be. It was okay. He was okay.

Quickly so as not to disturb them, he made for the door. Only, before he could do so, a sharp voice pierced its way through the mindless chatter.

“Hyunjin!” Chan shouted, “Where are you going? You haven’t even eaten breakfast yet.” Great he can’t even sneak out properly. If he wasn’t a burden for them before, then he certainly was now.

“Hyunjin hyung?” Jeongin spoke with a rare tenderness and innocence that Hyunjin couldn’t help but mentally coo at his cute maknae. Jeongin had a certain charm that was undeniable to everyone, even those who didn’t like stray kids couldn’t ignore it. Hyunjin found himself feeling a slight burn of jealousy as he bitterly thought of how much everyone adored Jeongin. But as soon as he thought it, he dismissed it as who could blame anyone for preferring the loveable maknae to him. It wasn’t Jeongin’s fault that Hyunjin was just the type of person to be looked over by others. It wasn’t his fault Hyunjin reminded himself.

“I’m not hungry, but I’ll eat later don’t worry.” Hyunjin left the room without waiting for a response in fear of his stomach growls giving himself away.

It was only halfway to the JYP building that he realised how easily the lie had slipped itself off of his tongue. He thought it would’ve been harder to lie to those he trusted so much. But, he reminded himself that he had once trusted his manager and staff too. This new awkward barrier of distrust between him and his members wasn’t intentional but was more of a subconscious defense his mind had put in place. He couldn’t forget the threat of being removed from the group no matter how hard he tried. And he did try, a lot. He wanted to forget and pretend nothing happened on that night. He wanted to pretend he went straight home after practising and that he was truly improving as an idol. But he wasn’t and so he couldn’t pretend.

If he couldn’t forget, then he had to act. He can’t be like he used to, knowing that those very actions would lead to the end of his short lived dreams. He needed change. That day Hyunjin decided to commit himself to a new way of living because the way he was now seemed to be nothing but a burden to others. Even as he thought of this, there was still a fear lingering in the back of his head but he pushed those bitter memories down. He could not think about it, not when he had so much at stake right now. He couldn’t afford another breakdown. Those thoughts would simply have to wait for another time.

His day went fine as he busied himself with tiring tasks determined to do block out the loudness of his inner chaos. He tried not to notice the memories resurfacing, knocking in his head with such ferocity that he ended the day with an intense headache. He rapped until his voice was at the brink of going and then danced until his body was about to collapse. He couldn’t let himself rest. He knew what his mind would do to him if he did. So he continued through the exhaustion, turning the music up higher as he danced to deafen the continuous knocking in his head. After a few hours, his ears started to hurt but he only turned the volume up. At least this pain was something he could control. He felt some sort of satisfaction to be able to regain some sort of power over his own body. So he kept going.

He was in a daze at this point, not even looking up once to check the time. He didn’t know how long it had been since he had eaten but he refused to check. He would not be weak. He had to look good after all, and what use was he if he gained weight. His daze seemed to be strong as he didn’t notice when Minho and Felix walked into the practise room. He didn’t notice the look that was passed between the two dancers as they stared at Hyunjin in horror.

“What happened to your face Jinnie?” Felix abruptly said, somehow cutting through the loud music. Hyunjin stumbled in surprise, confused as to how the two had gotten in without him knowing. He was about to question it when he suddenly processed what Felix had asked him.

“What do you mean? My face is fine, why are you two even here?” he spat out his words harsher than he intended to immediately regretting it, but masking his face with indifference nonetheless.

“Oh my god, you idiot you have bruises all over your face.” Minho rushed forward to inspect his face closer, wanting to help the younger. Well he did, until Hyunjin slapped his hands off of him shocking all three of them in the room. Hyunjin usually loved skinship so it as a rare sight to see him so aggressive about it.

“Jinnie?” Minho spoke softly, delicately even, looking at Hyunjin as though he might crumble beneath his gaze at any point. Although the nickname was lovingly said and he would normally just be able to ignore the memories attached to it, today was different. Today he had already spent his waking hours fighting to keep the thoughts at bay. He might have even won, but the repeated use of that name made shudders run down his back and almost sent him into a panic until he reminded himself who had said it. This wasn’t them. This was Minho, his caring, loving hyung. Not them. He repeated this to himself, waiting for the rush of adrenaline to pass.

“Can you at least fucking answer him? They actually have work to do.” Again, perhaps as a show of Hyunjin’s attention span, he found that his manager was in the room without him noticing. All of the words said that night flashed through his mind leaving him in a bitter mood. Of course, he forgot they all had work to do unlike him. He was just there to look good and that was hardly considered real work. He looked up at his fellow dancers expecting maybe some sort of reaction after the way their manager had spoken to him. But they just looked to the ground avoiding his gaze.

“Sorry for wasting your precious time, I’ll leave so you can get to work” Hyunjin hoped none of his anger slid into his speech as he spoke, this was a man who could decide how long he could stay after all. He brushed past Minho bumping into the arms that were, not so long ago, tenderly caressing his face. Now the arms were glued to Minho’s side. And Hyunjin knew it was his fault. His fault for snapping. His fault for the manager’s cold tone. It was his fault.

Neither of the dancers looked up as him made his way out, probably confused and scared of the new character Hyunjin had become seemingly overnight. He rushed to bathroom hoping that no one would follow him yet also wishing that someone would care enough to. An expressionless face masked him as he begged himself not to break- not yet. But despite his efforts, the stoic front disappeared when he saw the battered colouring of bruises decorating his face in the expensive bathroom mirror.

Slowly, as though he himself might break, he reached up to delicately touch his injury, trying to imitate the tenderness Miho had touched his face with. He expected pain, maybe a sharp wince but what he didn’t expect was to feel the horrid familiarity of numbness. He didn’t even notice when he got hurt dancing, never looking into the mirror of the dance rooms because he couldn’t look at himself. Especially not when he was dancing. To have to see himself failing time and time again was not something he was strong enough for. Not when he was constantly thinking about his failures anyways.

Why wasn’t it hurting? It looked like it should be hurting and the others obviously thought so to. So why couldn’t he feel it? A wave of panic crashed into Hyunjin. Desperately, his hands clawed at his face pleading for some sort of control, some sort of escape from the dull feeling of nothing. His hands were acting of their own accord as they coloured his face with deep shades of purple and blue. He continued even as his limbs ached, already sore from the gruelling dance practise. He continued even as the dull ache became more prominent. He continued as the burning surrounded him.

He finally dropped his hands, leaning closer into the mirror searching for a trace of the Hyunjin he had grown with for the past 19 years. The Hyunjin full of passion and happiness. The Hyunjin that was loved. His breathing got heavier as the toll of his actions weighed up on him. How would he face his members after this? He couldn’t bear to see disappointment painted over the usually joyous Chan. He couldn’t dare to face the disgusted look Jeongin would give him as he found out that the one he was supposed to look up to was so weak and pathetic. He had let them down and, like the coward he deemed himself to be, he couldn't deal with the consequences.

He wasn’t good enough. But he would make himself good enough. He had to.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed!! This is my first time writing a book so any feedback is welcome. Take care of yourselves and know that looks don't identify you. STAY safe (hehe see what I did there...)


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